The Fellowship of the Weed
by Nick47
Summary: A parody of the movie-version of Fellowship of the Ring. There's a fellowship and there's Hobbit-Weed involved. And it's a parody. Read, Review, Recycle. =)
1. Concerning Hobbit Weed

The Fellowship of the Weed  
  
Introduction : This parody off of The Fellowship of the Rings (the movie version) was inspired by Saruman's line to Gandalf, "Your love of the half-lings' leaf has clearly clouded your mind." In other words, "You smoke so much of that Hobbit Weed that you're not even a match for Harry Potter anymore." And that's saying something. I always knew that Saruman was a smart guy. I mean, he beat Obi-Wan, Anakin, and Yoda in a lightsaber battle! A very powerful wizard, indeed. Anyways, here's the story.  
  
Fooled you. Here's something to skip - it's called a disclaimer. I'm not Tolkein or whatever company it is that made the movie based off his book. Edit : It's New Line Cinema. I had to go to the official site for that (which, I noted, didn't have Frodo on the main page), which is at lordoftherings.net. It's a happy place. Anyways, so none of these characters are mine, and neither are the places and other things. Like the ring, which is not in this story. Er, I mean - uh, whoops. Anyways, the point I'm trying to get to is… this parody is based off the movie which if based off the book - neither are mine or created by me. Last thing - Deep Space Nine rules. Now read the story.   
  
  
Chapter One : Concerning Hobbit Weed  
  
A lone old gray wizard in a rickety horse-drawn carriage was looming down Shire Trail, heading for the Shire. The old gray wizard (the one in the rickety horse-drawn carriage) was muttering some ancient tale about some battle or war or fight or ambush or conflict or strife or struggle or engagement as the smoke from his pipe blinded him from all the luscious scenery of the Shire. Meanwhile, a hobbit was sitting down under a tree reading a book. That was from way left field. Anyways, this very wealthy little half-ling got up and saw this lone old gray wizard approaching...  
"You're late," the rich hobbit complained.  
"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins," the wizard muttered as smoke floated into the hobbit's face, "nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to." The two began laughing in a foolish manner over this cheesy attempt at a joke.  
"It's wonderful to see you again Gandalf!" Frodo exclaimed as he jumped into the rickety horse-drawn carriage.   
"Give me some Hobbit Weed," the wizard mumbled sternly to the overly-enthusiastic hobbit. "I said Hobbit Weed. Hobbit Weed. Give me all your Hobbit Weed. Hobbit Weed."  
"Is that an Elvish song, dear Gandalf?" Frodo asked earnestly with his British accent.  
"No you stupid midget. Give me Hobbit Weed," Gandalf replied.   
"I'm afraid I do not have any with me. I'm sure -" Frodo began.  
"Quite odd for a hobbit. No weed. What next? No ale?!? Surely you are making fun. Now hand over that Hobbit Weed, Frodo Baggins!" Gandalf groaned.  
"I don't have any with me. Now, tell me everything about the world!" Frodo exclaimed, trying to change the subject.  
"Why would you want to talk about the outside world? There's no Hobbit Weed there," Gandalf replied. By now the two simpletons reached the denser part of the Shire, filled with town-hobbits who did not farm like the farm-hobbits outside of the denser part of the Shire did. A specifically ugly old hobbit gave Gandalf an evil stare as the sunshine glimmered a dark glow in his two devilish eyes as lightning stroke above his house and hundreds of echoing treacherous laughs rang loudly through the pitch black skies above him. A few moments later, the rickety horse-drawn carriage passed by and galloped into the sunshine. Yes, our friends have passed their first peril successfully. Anyways, a bunch of tiny hobbit-kids ran up to Gandalf's rickety horse-drawn carriage and began bawling their heads off, whining for fireworks. They should've read the bumper sticker on the back of Gandalf's rickety horse-drawn carriage, which reads "Fireworks for Hobbit Weed." Gandalf, being so generous, decided to give the children a sample of his fireworks show. Directly behind the rickety horse-drawn carriage, several small fireworks went off, spelling the words "Bring Me Hobbit Weed" in the air. The kids cheered at the sight, and ran off to their homes to bring the wizard their secret stashes of Hobbit Weed. 


	2. Very Folly Old Friends

Chapter Two : Very Folly Old Friends  
  
Gandalf in his rickety horse-drawn carriage finally arrived at Bilbo Baggins large hobbit home. Gandalf opened a gate which held a sign, which read "You're folly. Go away!" and walked up the little path to Bilbo's round front door. After ringing the door bell 20 times in about three seconds, Gandalf was greeted by the old hobbit and walked inside.   
"Want some cheese? Want some eggs? We've got all kinds of eggs. Mind if I eat? Surely you'll want tea. I can make you some. Want some with your eggs or with your cheese? Sorry I'm so inhospitable at the time. Here, have a chair. I can get you some good ale. Year 1246 almost as old as I am ha ha good ale indeed here have some it's good want some? sure you do you'll like some with your cheesy eggs or was that egg-like cheese? sit down old friend and have some taters," Bilbo rambled without taking a breath.  
"Just Hobbit Weed, thank you," Gandalf replied as he sat down reading one of Bilbo's old maps.  
"Want some cheese? Want some eggs? We've got all kinds of eggs. Mind if I eat? Surely you'll want tea. I can make you some. Want some with your eggs or with your cheese? Sorry I'm so inhospitable at the time. Here, have a chair. I can get you some good ale. Year 1246 almost as old as I am ha ha good ale indeed here have some it's good want some? sure you do you'll like some with your cheesy eggs or was that egg-like cheese? sit down old friend and have some taters," Bilbo continued.  
"Again, just Hobbit Weed," Gandalf stated back to the fidgeting hobbit.  
"Want some cheese? Want some eggs? We've got all kinds of eggs. Mind if I eat? Surely you'll want tea. I can make you some. Want some with your eggs or with your cheese? Sorry I'm so inhospitable at the time. Here, have a chair. I can get you some good ale. Year 1246 almost as old as I am ha ha good ale indeed here have some it's good want some? sure you do you'll like some with your cheesy eggs or was that egg-like cheese? sit down old friend and have some taters," Bilbo again continued.  
"No. Hobbit Weed. Only Hobbit Weed. No eggs. No cheese. No ale. Just Hobbit Weed. That's all I want. I only want Hobbit Weed. Don't make me anything. Just give me some Hobbit Weed. Hobbit Weed is all I ask for. I don't want anything else. I only need Hobbit Weed. Give me some Hobbit Weed please. Nothing else. Just and only Hobbit Weed," Gandalf explained very clearly.  
"Want some cheese? Want some eggs? We've got all kinds of eggs. Mind if I eat? Surely you'll want tea. I can make you some. Want some with your eggs or with your cheese? Sorry I'm so inhospitable at the time. Here, have a chair. I can get you some good ale. Year 1246 almost as old as I am ha ha good ale indeed here have some it's good want some? sure you do you'll like some with your cheesy eggs or was that egg-like cheese? sit down old friend and have some taters," Bilbo continued. Gandalf began shaking his head sadly just when someone was knocking at Bilbo's round front door.   
"NOT MY CONFOUNDED RELATIVES!!! NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" Bilbo yelled as his head exploded into little bits. Gandalf got up to see who was at the door.  
"Who is it?" Gandalf asked earnestly.  
"We're here to give Bilbo his one million dollars for winning the "Finest Hobbit Weed" contest yesterday!" a voice behind the door answered.  
"Just hand it to me and I'll give it to him," Gandalf replied as the hobbits left. "Now to find Bilbo's great Hobbit Weed, and then buy a supply of Hobbit Weed from the local market with all this money. Indeed, this will be a night to remember," Gandalf thought to himself amusingly. 


	3. A Rather Pointless Party

Chapter Three : A Rather Pointless Party  
  
That very night, half the Shire came together to celebrate Bilbo's birthday, despite the fact that he had died earlier that day. But, you must remember, these are hobbits. They love parties, and often don't care what they're for. They just use parties as an excuse to break away from their daily chores of drinking ale and instead, drink more ale. Gandalf was there too, grudgingly pulling off his fireworks show. He had not found Bilbo's secret stash of prize-winning Hobbit Weed, and the Hobbit Weed Shop was closed for Bilbo's long-expected party, so Gandalf would have to wait until tomorrow morning to buy some with the million dollars he received earlier that day. Not far away, a group of hobbits were dancing to the tune of obnoxious hobbit fiddle music. Frodo and his gardener, Samwise Gamgee, were sitting at a table and drinking ale.  
"Go on, Sam. Ask Rosie for a dance," Frodo told Sam.  
"I think I'll just have another ale," Sam replied.  
"Now that's the spirit!" Frodo chuckled as the irritating music continued playing. Frodo began thinking about how sad he would've been if Bilbo was there. "He'd probably be gloating about his silly adventures. In fact, I bet he'd tell the story where he and his dwarf-friends were captured by monstrous trolls, and how he saved the day. 'And I kept those devilish trolls busy so long that the sun's first light crept over the top of the trees...POOF! And turned them all to stone!' It was the same tedious story every time," Frodo continued thinking. A few minutes later, two little mischievous hobbits snuck into Gandalf's rickety horse-drawn carriage and snatched one of the wizard's biggest fireworks.  
"Why is it not lighting?" Merry the Hobbit asked Pippin (the other hobbit).  
"Stick it in the ground," Pippin stated.  
"It IS in the ground," Merry replied.  
"Try lighting it again," Pippin replied to the reply.  
"It is not working!" Merry replied to the reply that replied.  
"Wait just a second," Pippin added as he popped off the top half of the firework. "It's full of Hobbit Weed!"  
"Here, let's take it to our place," Merry said as the two ran off with Gandalf's secret stash of Hobbit Weed he didn't realize he had. A few hours later, the hobbits persuaded Gandalf to give a speech in place of the deceased Bilbo.   
"I only have one firecracker left, and it's a big one!" Gandalf then said, heading to his rickety horse-drawn carriage. Gandalf soon realized it wasn't there, so he headed back to give a quick little speech. "Wait," he thought. "That big firecracker is where I once had a supply of Hobbit Weed. It wouldn't of worked anyways." Gandalf walked a little longer and realized just what he thought. "My Hobbit Weed! I could've had some the whole time! Where is that firecracker?!?" he exclaimed to himself. Just then, all the hobbits there chanted "Speech" so Gandalf grudgingly got up to give one. He stood on top of a barrel to make himself appear even taller to the tiny hobbits.  
"Speech!" Frodo said to himself as Gandalf began his speech.  
"My dear Baggageinses and Coffins... Cooks and Bradybunch... Grubbies, Chubbies... Snowblowers... Buldgers... Bracedraidles... and Proudgooses!" Gandalf began.  
"It's Proudgeese!" a hobbit yelled as everyone simultaneously laughed.  
Gandalf ignored this annoying hobbit and continued, "Today's not my birthday! But alas, one day is far too long a time to be among such clueless and annoying hobbits. I don't hate half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less then half of your Hobbit Weed half as well as you deserve."  
"I don't get it!" a hillbilly hobbit yelled at Gandalf.  
"Neither do I," Gandalf replied as he left to look for his Hobbit Weed. 


	4. Too Much Talking

Chapter Four : Too Much Talking  
  
After searching the entire night for his Hobbit Weed, Gandalf decided to spend the night at Frodo's place. Inside Bag End, Gandalf realized how Bilbo won the "Finest Weed Contest."   
"The One Weed!" Gandalf exclaimed. "Back in the good old days he stole Gollem's 'precious' - a magical Hobbit Weed enclosed in a plastic bag that would make you invisible if you smoked a bit of it. Whenever it ran out, more would appear. In fact, it was that very Hobbit Weed that drove Gollem into the wretched state he was in. Bilbo always seemed to have the weed in his very pocket - no wonder I couldn't find it." After Gandalf gave the readers this important information, he set out to Bilbo's coffin in the next room and found the One Weed in his pocket. He snatched it but accidentally dropped it onto the ground. It landed on the floor (no... really?) and let out a long echoing boom-like sound that resonated across the room. Gandalf was just about to pick it up, but was startled when he saw a nose, circled by fire and darkness. Gandalf was so shocked by this illusion that he sat down and stared at the fireplace for the next several hours. Just then, Frodo walked in and saw Gandalf sitting in his favorite chair. Noticing the little bag of Hobbit Weed, he picked it up.  
"Gandalf?" Frodo stated. He walked up to Gandalf, forgetting to close the door behind him.  
"Riddles in the dark. My precious. Bilbo's weed," Gandalf muttered to himself.   
"Say, I just realized something. Now that Bilbo's dead, I get Bag End all to myself now!" Frodo cheered.  
"Along with all his possessions. The weed is yours now. Put it somewhere out of my sight, so... I can't... take it," Gandalf said as a tear left his eye and left the room.  
"Wait, where are you going?" Frodo asked.  
"To the Hobbit Weed Shop, so that I'm the first one there tomorrow morning. After that, I'm going to get some questions answered. Keep it secret. Keep it safe," Gandalf rambled as he left Bag End. A few minutes later, Frodo looked down at the little bag of Hobbit Weed he possessed.  
"I wonder what Gandalf was talking about," Frodo said as he tossed the bag onto an old wooden table. 


	5. Too Much Reading

Chapter Five : Too Much Reading, and Then Even More Talking  
  
Meanwhile, at some castle that seriously needs a new paint job, a tortured Gollem yells, "Yeargh! YAAAAHHH! Wha! Wha! YYYEEEAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!" After these telling words, nine tricycle-riding riders in Halloween masks and orange robes ventured out of this castle and off to find the One Weed.   
At the same time, Gandalf had been riding his horse for several weeks. Eventually, Gandalf arrived at some kind of ancient city and began reading some dusty old scrolls. Gandalf began to read one and began to say aloud, "The year 3434 of the Second Age. Here follows the account of Isildur, High King of Gondor, and the finding of the Weed of Power. 'It has come to me. The One Weed. It shall blah blah blah blah yaddah yaddah It's great and stuff blah blah blah It's precious big whoop yaddah yaddah The markings upon it fade here's what it said blah blah yaddah See for yourself by tossing the weed into a fire. If I had a pet iguana, I would name it Billy." Gandalf set the scroll down and stared at the camera man, saying, "That's good to know."  
Meanwhile, a dog was barking at one of the Orange Riders.   
"Where's the One Weed?" the Orange Rider asked the hobbit-owner of the dog.  
"Um, you're probably talking about Bilbo's prize-winning weed. He lives at Bag End," the hobbit replied as the Orange Rider peddled off to the denser part of the Shire.  
Later, Frodo and Sam had finished their daily chores of drinking ale. Frodo walked into his Bag End home and saw Gandalf was there.  
"Is it secret? Is it safe?" the old wizard asked.   
"Good evening, Gandalf," Frodo answered. "Want some old stinky cabbage?"  
"Don't go pulling 'a Bilbo.' Just give me Bilbo's prize-winning Hobbit Weed," Gandalf stated.  
"You just can't stop asking for Hobbit Weed, can you? Here," Frodo said as he grabbed the Hobbit Weed off the table and tossed it to Gandalf. The wizard caught it and then tossed it into the fire.  
"What do you think you're doing?!?" Frodo yelled as he kicked Gandalf into the fire. Gandalf got back up but was covered in fire. Using some of his magic, the fire vanished.  
"Watch it you folly fool," Gandalf replied as he grabbed the bag of Hobbit Weed out of the fire with a pair of tongs. "Hold out your hand, Frodo,"  
"What do you think I am? Folly?!? That bag's burning!" Frodo replied.  
"It's quite cool," Gandalf then said.  
"How do you know?!? You didn't even touch it! That thing could give me a nasty burn!" Frodo yelled as Gandalf dropped the bag into Frodo's hand. "Wait, there are markings on this bag of Hobbit Weed. It looks like Elvish words. Wait... Elvish words on Hobbit Weed?!?"  
"In the common tongue, those words read, 'If I had a pet iguana, I would name it Billy,'" Gandalf explained.  
"Then we must destroy this Hobbit Weed!" Frodo yelled angrily. "No iguana would be named that!"  
"You're getting ahead of yourself. I need to give the readers background information on this. This is the One Weed, forged by the Orange Lord Sauron in the Farms of Mount Dumb. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself," Gandalf muttered.  
"Bilbo found it in Gollem's cave," Frodo added.  
"Yes, but who cares about Bilbo. I need to hurry this story along. Anyways, now that Bilbo doesn't have the Weed, evil is stirring in Mordor," Gandalf continued.  
"What are they stirring?" Frodo asked.  
"Strawberry frosting. Now, as I was saying, that Hobbit Weed is dangerous. And Sauron wants it back. The spirit of Sauron that is. His life force is bound to the Weed, and the Weed survived. Sauron has returned. His Dorcs have multiplied. They're beginning to learn division. Sauron's fortress at Barad-dumb is rebuilt in the land of Mordor. Sauron needs only this Weed to get that iguana and name it Billy. Then... all of Middle Earth will be doomed. He is seeking that Weed. Seeking it. All his thought is bent on it," Gandalf told the half-asleep Frodo.  
"Just like all you can think about is Hobbit Weed," Frodo muttered under his breath.  
"They are one - the Weed and the Orange Lord," Gandalf continued.  
"Now you're beginning to sound like those cheesy poets! Just cut to the chase!" Frodo replied.  
"Gollem gave the surprise away to the Orange Riders. They should be here any minute now, so you had better begin this dreary dismal quest," Gandalf explained.  
"I can't do that! I can't even tie my shoes! Whah! I don't have any shoes!" Frodo complained.  
"Don't tempt me Frodo! I dare not take the One Weed. Not even to smoke it. Understand, Frodo. I would use this Ring from a desire to do good. I would create Hobbit Weed Forests all across Middle Earth. But through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine," Gandalf said.  
"What? Would your Hobbit Weed Forests end up as rotten turnips! HA HA!" Frodo laughed as Gandalf shuddered at that thought.  
"I'm sure it wouldn't be that bad, but it would be close to that bad. This Hobbit Weed cannot stay in the Shire. Now leave. Leave quickly. Get out of the Shire. Go to the village of Beer. I'll be waiting for you, at the inn of the Prancing Pizza. In the meantime, I will see the head of my order. He is both wise and powerful, and most importantly, has a good supply of Hobbit Weed. Trust me Frodo. You'll have to leave the name of Baggageinses behind you," Gandalf babbled on.  
"But my name is Frodo Baggins," Frodo replied.  
"Whatever. You're name is not safe outside the Shire. Travel only by day and look both ways before crossing the road. NOW LEAVE!" Gandalf boomed. Just then, a sound was heard in the bushes outside the front window. It was Samwise Gamgee, who was eavesdropping. "You go with Frodo," Gandalf said as he left Bag End. 


	6. Saruman the Wide

Chapter Six : Saruman the Wide  
  
"Come along, Samwise. Keep up," Gandalf grumbled as he and the two hobbits walked along Shire Trail with a horse. "Be careful, both of you. The enemy has many spies in his service: birds, beasts, pickles. Is it safe?" Gandalf added.  
"Um, you just said there's a bunch of spies and enemies. How can it be safe?!?" Frodo asked.  
"I mean, do you have the One Weed in your pocket?" Gandalf replied. Frodo nodded. "Never smoke any of it, for the agents of the Orange Lord will be drawn to its power. Always remember Frodo, iguanas cannot be named Billy. That and the weed wants to be found by its master, which unfortunately isn't me," Gandalf concluded as he rode off. The hobbits then began their long journey through the forest. They traveled for many many nanoseconds. So many, in fact, that you can say they traveled for weeks. In the middle of their trek, Sam stopped in the middle of a cornfield.  
"This is it," he said aloud.  
"What is this that is it which is what?" Frodo asked.  
"If I take one more step..." Sam began. Frodo waited for him to continue.  
"Well?" the annoyed hobbit stated.  
"It'll be the farthest away from home I've ever been," Sam said sadly.  
"Shut up and get walking," Frodo replied. Sam then took another step and triggered a hidden mine, flipping him up into the air several meters. "Don't you remember what Bilbo used to say? 'It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.'"  
"What in the Shire was he smoking?!?" Sam then said.  
"I think he bought the entire supply of Hobbit Weed from the Hobbit Weed Shop that day..." Frodo answered.  
"If you don't keep your feet? So, if some Dorc cuts my feet off, the wind is going to pull out a broom and sweep me into the gutters! HA!" Sam exclaimed, making fun of Bilbo's stupidity.  
Meanwhile, Gandalf was riding on horseback off to a lone piller in the middle of a large forest.  
"Smoke rises from the Mountain of Dumb. The hour grows late. And Gandalf the Grey rides to Isengard seeking my Hobbit Weed. For that is why you have come, is it not? My folly friend," an enormously fat wizard said as he trudged down the stairway to meet with Gandalf.  
Not knowing anything to say, Gandalf muttered, "Saruman." You would think he'd say 'Hello Saruman' but I guess he wanted to cut to the chase and just say Saruman. The two soon started taking a walk through the forest outside the piller to start talking.  
"So where's your Hobbit Weed?" Gandalf asked.  
"It's been used up. There isn't any left," Saruman replied.  
"Well isn't that great. Well, I have other things to discuss. Frodo has the One Weed."  
"You are sure of this?"  
"Beyond any doubt."  
"So the Weed of Power has been found."  
"All these long years, it was in the Shire. Under my very nose."  
"You must have an enormous nose for it to be above the entire Shire. And you didn't even have the wit to smell this mighty Hobbit Weed."  
"But we still have time. Time enough to counter Sauron if we act quickly."  
"Hamlet or MacBeth?" Saruman asked.  
"We don't have that kind of time," Gandalf replied. Later, inside the pillar, Saruman showed Gandalf his room.  
"Sauron has regained much of his former weed fields. He cannot yet take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency. Concealed within his fortress, the Lord of Mordor smells all. His scent pierces... cloud, shadow, earth, wind, water, heart. Go Planet! With those powers combined, he is Captain Planet! Captain Planet! He's a hero! Takin' pollution down to zero!" Saruman began.  
"Can you please get back to the subject? I want to leave so I can find some Hobbit Weed," Gandalf said in the middle of Saruman's favorite song.  
"Very well. You know of what I was speaking, Gandalf. A Great Nose, nostrilless, wreathed in flame," Saruman explained.  
"The Nose of Sauron," Gandalf muttered.  
"He is gathering all evil to him. Very soon, he'll have summoned a weed-driven army great enough for an assault upon In-between-earth," Saruman continued.  
"You know this?" Gandalf questioned.  
"No, I read it in a book once," Saruman said sarcastically. "Of course I know this - I have a palantir, but I like to call it a planeteer."  
"Saruman, a planeteer - I mean, a palantir is a dangerous tool," Gandalf explained.  
"Why?" Saruman replied.  
"Because Sauron's nose could be smelling what's going on here."  
"Why?"  
"Because he wants to know all that's going on."  
"Why?"  
"Because he want to take over In-between-earth."  
"Why?"  
"Because he - UGH! He doesn't have any hobbies! Now quit asking 'Why?'!"  
"Why?"  
"Enough with the 'Why?'s!"  
"Very well. The hour is later than you think. Sauron's forces are already moving. The Nine have left Mickey Mogul," Saruman said.  
"The Nine?" Gandalf asked.  
"They crossed the River Nosesen on Midsummer's Eve disguised as tricycle-riders in orange," Saruman continued.  
"They've reached the Shire? I can't let them take the Hobbit Weed there!" Gandalf stated.  
Ignoring Gandalf, Saruman added, "They will find the Weed. And play Scrabble with the one who carries it."  
"Frodo!" Gandalf said as he ran to the door, which closed automatically. Then all the doors closed.   
"You did not seriously think that a hobbit could contend with the will of Sauron?" Saruman asked amusingly.  
"Well, wills usually are written on pieces of paper. So, yes. A hobbit can contend with his will. I thought he was already dead though," Gandalf clarified.  
"Silence. That's the wrong meaning of 'will.' Now, I shall fire at will! HA HA HA!" Saruman laughed at his own joke as he flung Gandalf across the room with his magic.   
"Now will you join with Sauron?" Saruman asked.  
"No," Gandalf answered. The two old men then began flinging each other across the room, knocking each other's heads on the rocky walls. Saruman then grabbed Gandalf's staff and flung him on top of the ceiling of the pillar, where there was no Hobbit Weed at all. =( 


	7. A Shortcut to Papercuts

Chapter Seven : A Shortcut to Papercuts  
  
While Gandalf was sitting around, our two hobbit heroes were walking through a farm's cornfield. Unfortunately, Sam lost sight of Frodo.  
"Mr. Frodo? Frodo? Frodo!!" Sam whined as the two met up again. Sam gave a sigh. "I thought I'd lost you."  
"What are you talking about?" Frodo said, asking a stupid question.  
"What do you mean 'What are you talking about?'? I said 'I thought I'd lost you' and that's what I thought!" Sam explained.   
"Does this have something to do with what Gandalf said?" Frodo asked.  
"No. All he said was 'Go with Frodo' and then we were off," Sam replied. Just then two hobbits crashed through the cornstalks and ran straight into Frodo and Sam, knocking them down as they fell down as well.  
One of the two new hobbits then said, "Frodo. Merry, it's Frodo Baggins!"  
"Hello Frodo," the other hobbit rhymed. Everyone got up and Frodo and Sam realized it was only Merry and Pippin (the ones who stole Gandalf's Hobbit Weed) and now they were stealing the farmer's crops. When the farmer ran over, the four hobbits started running through the fields as fast as they could, not realizing they were headed straight for a cliff. They all fell off and landed in a roofless truck carrying pillows.   
"Trust a Brandybuck and a Took!" Sam yelled as they all jumped out of the truck.   
"I'll get you meddling kids next time!" the farmer yelled as he shook his fist in the air. The four hobbits then ran off into a forest, 3/4 of them clueless about this whole thing with the One Weed and Sauron. Yes, only Pippin knew what was going on.  
"Don't worry guys, this was just a shortcut," Merry explained.  
"A shortcut to what?" Sam responded.   
"Papercuts," a mysterious voice said.  
"Why papercuts, Pippin?" Frodo asked.  
"I don't know. Why?" Pippin replied. The four hobbits finally turned around to see a tricycle-riding Orange Rider right behind them, holding a piece of paper. The Orange Rider almost swiped the paper across Sam's hand, but he moved out of the way just in time. By then all four hobbits were running as fast as they could through the forest. They soon lost the Orange Rider and night fell.  
"What is going on?" Pippin asked.  
Merry added, "That Orange Rider was looking for someone. Or someweed. Frodo?" Just then, another Orange Rider appeared, and all the hobbits ducked under a bush.  
"I have to leave the Shire. Sam and I must get to Beer," Frodo explained.  
"Right. Huckleberry Ferry. Follow me," Merry retorted. The four hobbits ran for the raft that would help them cross the river, but an Orange Rider peddled in, swiping a paper at them. Everyone except Frodo got ahead and untied the raft, because Frodo was busy picking mushrooms as they were running. The Orange Rider chased Frodo, and would you believe it? Frodo made it to the raft. I thought the hero of the series was going to die right there.   
"How far to the nearest mushroom shop?" Frodo asked.  
"The Brandywine Bridge. 20 miles," Merry replied.  
"Wait... I thought this book was England-based. They use the Metric System! They don't use miles - they use kilometers! You know, the Base 10 measuring system! What do you think this is, America?!?" Frodo exclaimed. Just then Orange Riders peddled off in their squeaking tricycles. 


	8. At the Sign of the Prancing Pizza

Chapter Eight : At the Sign of the Prancing Pizza  
  
After shooting down Tom Bombadil, the four wet and soggy hobbits finally reached the gate to get into the village of Beer. Frodo knocked at the door.  
"What do you want?" the gate-keeper asked.  
"Mushrooms," Frodo said.  
"And sushi," Sam added.  
"A few million dollars," Pippin included.  
"And a one-way trip to the Prancing Pizza," Merry ended.  
Instead of acknowledging their wishes, the gate-keeper began, "Hobbits. Four hobbits! Oh my leebie-jeebies! FOUR hobbits!"  
"What's so amazingly significant about the fact there are four of us?" Pippin uncharacteristically asked.  
"Four's my favorite number. Now come on in. You can stay at the inn!" the gate-keeper said, letting the damp and dreary four hobbits in. Ahead they saw a swinging metal sign that had a pizza on it. In Old English font the sign read "The Prancing Pizza." They made there way to the inn, and they got in.  
  
In the inn...  
  
"Good evening little nerds. If you're seeking accomodation, we got some cozy Hobbit-sized rooms unavailable. Just damp and dirty ones without windows or cable television. Mister, uh..." the inn-keeper began.  
"Underhill. My name's Underhill," Frodo replied.  
"What do you mean Frodo? Your name's Baggins! Hey everyone! Don't call him Underhill! CALL HIM BAGGINS! FRODO BAGGINS!" Pippin yelled to everyone there.  
"Don't tell people my name," Frodo said.  
"Dobsen! Dobsen! We've got Dobsen here!" Pippin exclaimed. Nobody noticed. "See, nobody cares!"  
"Anyways," Frodo - er, I mean Underhill began, "we're friends of Gandalf the Grey."  
"Us?!? Friends of that old suitcase? Bwa! He only comes at holidays to get our Hobbit-weed and complain about everything," Merry thought in his head.  
"Can you tell him we've arrived?" Underhill asked the inn-keeper.  
"Gandalf? Gandalf. Gandalf! Gandalf?!? PGandalf/P ?fladnaG Andalf- gay the Ey-Gray? GANDALF? That Gandalf?" the inn-keeper egged.  
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."  
  
A few minutes later...  
  
"Yyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. I remember. Old loser. Big grey head, pointy nose. Not seen him for six months." (Writer's Note : Not done English homework for six months)  
"Oh," Underhill said as he went to sit down with the other hobbits at a table. May we now note that somebody at this inn had a little ferret on his shoulder - don't worry, Franky will play a more important role later in the story. But now back to the boring hobbits.  
"Sam. He'll be here. He'll come," Underhill said, trying to cheer the mopey Sam up.  
"Santa's coming?" Sam asked.  
"No. Gandalf," Underhill replied.  
"Great. This is terrible news. Just terrible," Sam whined. Just then Pippin came over.  
"What is going on? Did Sam just find out that Santa isn't real?" Pippin asked.  
"What?!? You mean there isn't a Santa Clause?!? NO!" Sam pouted as tears streamed down his face and into his mug of ale.  
"Just drink some more ale Sam. It'll cheer you up," Underhill said. Sam did so.  
"Bleagh! This ale's salty," Sam complained. Just then Merry came over with a pint glass full of ale.  
"What's that?" Pippin asked.  
"This, my enemy, is an ale," Merry explained.  
"There's ale here?" the drunken Pippin asked.  
"Yes Pippin. There is. You've dranken like three gallons since we've gotten here," Merry said.  
"Wait just a second. WE USE THE METRIC SYSTEM!!!" Frodo yelled. May we now note that there's a black cat at the inn, who won't play an important role in the story. The cat's name is Munchies, which you will need to know. Sam then pointed over at some guy smoking what can possibly be Hobbit Weed.  
"What a loser," he said. Out of curiosity, Frodo asked the inn-keeper who that was.  
"Around here we call him Stepper. Stepper the Spiced-Picklin' Pepper," the inn-keeper told. After he left, Frodo began fiddling with the weed.  
"Underhill... Underhill... Underhill... Underhilll..." it whispered as the overall flow of time in the vicinity slowed to a crawl.  
"Underhill? Sure I know an Underhill. He's over there. Frodo Underhill," Pippin told enthusiastically to a group of grungy guys who did get rooms with cable. Frodo quickly made his way over. Okay this is getting boring. Ahlaieanialaiala.  
"-more caution from you. That is no trinket you carry," Stepper told Frodo.  
"I carry nothing," Frodo explained. Boring. Ahlaieanialaialaliaonala.  
"You have a small brain, little Hobbit. But that will not save you," Stepper told the three hobbits that ran in with money (or at least, what looked like money. It was really Monopoly money). "You can no longer wait for the wizard, Frodo."  
"Ooh, the Wizard? Are we off to see him? Ah, yes. We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful Wizard of -" Pippin began and ended just in time for me to avoid getting sued by the Wizard of Oz creators. In the following scene, Stepper will talk all about those nasty Orange Riders. We'll find out just how scary they are, how they'll sneak into the inn (and smash the gate-keeper), how they'll get into a room which appears to have four hobbits in four hobbit-beds, how they'll start paper-cutting the beds, and how they'll be quite unhappy after they see that those weren't hobbits in the beds - they were sacks of potatoes. Yes those Orange Riders are foolish, as we'll find out. But you probably knew of this so we'll just skip the scene entirely. 


	9. Adventure Can Only Begin With Ad

Chapter Nine : Adventure Can Only Begin With "Ad"  
  
Well what do you know? Those Orange Riders mistakened the four hobbits for sacks of potatoes! They wouldn't of made such a silly mistake if they had...  
  
Philsten Signature Binoculars! "A world in view for only a few!*"  
  
(* - thousand dollars)  
  
Now back to the movie...  
  
"Who are they?" Frodo asked, referring to the Orange Riders who were nuking the building across from them.  
"They were once dump-cleaners. Great kings of dump-cleaners. They will  
never stop hunting you," Stepper explained briefly.  
  
"I'm hungry," Pippin stated.  
  
The next day, they set off.  
  
"Where are you taking us?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Into the wild," Stepper replied.  
  
"Wow, that's descriptive, genius. Don't get so detailed. We get the idea already," Merry commented.  
  
"I'm hungry," Pippin stated.  
  
"Shut up already," Stepper said. Pippin didn't take the hint.  
  
"I want to eat something," Pippin added. Stepper didn't take the hint.  
  
"THEN GO PLANT SOMETHING!" Stepper yelled. Pippin didn't take the hint.  
  
"It's time for another breakfast," Pippin explained. Stepper didn't take the hint.  
  
"Just silence yourself, you gluttunous fool," Stepper held his temper. Pippin didn't take the hint.  
  
"We had one, yes. What about second breakfast?" Pippin asked. Stepper finally got the hint, and threw Pippin an apple core to ridicule the little hobbit. Pippin blew a gasket. Pippins eyes turned blood red. He let out a deafening roar, heard across all of In-Between-Earth. Tens of thousands of trees and great buildings of ages long ago that have been sung about countless times were destroyed in the terrible yell. Pippin then began sinking his teeth into Stepper's left arm, eating the arm down to the bone. Stepper's yells of pain could not be heard above Pippin's astounding racket, however. After a minute the historical incident ended, forever to be remembered in this now well-known piece of music:  
  
Never outrage a hobbit  
They got a lot of... angerobbit  
When they want their... foodobit  
They have to eat a lot of it. Obbit.  
  
The small one, the star of the show  
Pippin's the one you surely know  
He ate Stepper's arm  
I wonder how it tasted...  
I live on a farm.  
  
The song is too short  
It's too easy to remember  
So I'll add a bunch more stuff  
That nobody understands  
Across the lands  
And stuff.  
  
Boon of Jenga, Lord of Vectors  
Churro to the unhappy crew  
In a midsummer's mooncast snowy afternoon  
Confused, you are  
And so on  
Now pay me some money - that was a good song.  
  
The song is now critically-acclaimed, stated to be "a true classic," and is now read and studied vigorously in tens of thousands of Literature classes, where students try to show the literary value of various lines and their symbolic meaning when compared to past works of poetry.  
  
Back to Pippin and the others...  
  
"I am on nobody's side, since nobody is on my side," the old tree explained.  
  
Eh... that's a little early.  
  
"We can camp up on this cliff-side road tonight," Stepper said.  
  
That's about better.  
  
Frodo woke up in the middle of his sleeping.  
  
"What are you doing?" he asked the other three hobbits.  
  
"Sausages, tomatoes, nice crispy bacon," Merry said.  
  
"We saved some for you, Mr. Underhill," Sam added.  
  
"Finally, you hobbits do something right for a change," Frodo grinned. A few minutes later, the Orange Riders peddled in, and joined the four hobbits in a nice midnight snack.  
  
"Excellent sausage, grand hobbits," one Orange rider complimented.  
  
"Yes indeed. It would have been a shame if ash got on these tomatoes," another added. Everyone seemed to be enjoying their meal. It seemed nothing could go wrong.  
  
Suddenly, Stepper ran in and began firing his massive flamethrower at all the Orange Riders, making them run away without even letting them finish the rest of their bacon. In the panic, some ash... landed... on Pippin's tomato.  
  
"Oh that's nice! ASH ON MY TOMATOES!" Pippin shrieked. He then ate the tomato, claiming it to be the best he had ever tasted. 


	10. Flight in a Ford

Chapter Ten : Flight in a Ford  
  
Arwen drives Frodo across the river in a Ford truck. Yes, that's the whole joke of the title. Instead of "Flight to the Ford." Now on to the next chapter. 


	11. Dude, You're Getting a Rivendell

Chapter Eleven : Dude, You're Getting a Rivendell  
  
"Frodo..." an angry elf-face was echoing to the unconscious hobbit. "The Matrix has you..."  
  
Frodo woke up to see none other than Gandalf, looking just as grumpy as usual.  
  
"It is now 4:27 Elf Time Zone," Gandalf muttered.  
  
More story coming soon! 


End file.
